Understanding Remus
by InFabula
Summary: Some of the special relationships in Remus's life from the Marauders to Tonks. Especially Tonks. Complete.
1. Chapter 1 Before

Understanding Remus by InFabula

Disclaimer: these wonderful characters belong to JK: I just borrowed them for a bit.

A/N I would like to thank the wonderful ivy, my ex-beta over at SQ. I wasn't happy with my first version and she was kind enough to encourage me to work at this story.

Chapter One - Before

"Old before his time": that's something I've heard said about me for as long as I can remember.

Surviving Fenrir's attack made me so, of course. Any child bitten by a werewolf has a lot of growing up to do within a very short space of time. If childhood does not end there, it certainly does the next full moon.

The bite changed me in other ways I didn't realise. The need for secrecy and caution became engrained so early on that I find I can't tell where I start and the wolf finishes. The bite made me wary of others: secrets are best kept that way.

"You had such a thirst for knowledge," Minerva told me when I returned to Hogwarts. "You were such a pleasure to teach."

A thirst for knowledge in a small boy who had only ever had books for company? Hardly surprising.

I had an equal thirst for companionship, to belong, to be liked. How lucky was I, then, to find myself in the same dorm as James, Peter and Sirius. They accepted me before they knew and afterwards. I felt more than thankful; I loved them for that.

In this environment I felt secure and I discovered something else about myself I'd never realised was there: a penchant for mischief. If the others had been serious, straight-O students, it might have stayed buried.

As it was…

_The door to the dorm opened._

"_So what are you going to do?"_

"_If I knew that, Sirius, it wouldn't be a problem!"_

_I sat on my bed and continued reading. There was no need to ask questions: they would share whatever it was soon enough. Even if they were in no particular hurry to explain, I still didn't need to ask._

_On cue, Peter's voice piped up._

"_What's the matter?"_

"_Snivellus!" said the other two in unison._

_We had been at Hogwarts less than three terms and already we had found a mortal enemy. Snape had first become the subject of our mutual loathing on the Hogwarts Express with his bigoted remarks about Hogwarts being for purebloods alone. When we got to know him better, we found first impressions had been perfectly correct._

_Although it had begun outside the classroom, our enmity had carried through into lessons. Clever, unpleasant and quick with a rejoinder, Snape had soon established himself as an academic force to be reckoned with: near the top in most subjects and streets ahead in D.A.D.A. and Potions. James and Sirius, whose easy brilliance meant they were the ones most often jostling with Snape for top marks, saw Snape's aptitude as a challenge. Privately, I thought it would have been easier if Snape had not been intelligent: one could then have made excuse for his prejudice._

"_He's just so irritating," James scowled. "I wanted to knock that smugness out of him."_

"_That could still be arranged," Sirius muttered darkly._

"_He started that foulness about how Hogwarts should be some sort of society for purebloods and I just saw red."_

"_What did you do?" Peter asked breathlessly._

"_I challenged him to a duel," James said unhappily._

_I did not have to see Peter's face to know his eyes were out on stalks._

"_A duel! With wands and- and stuff?"_

"_Well, James _meant_ a duel with wands and stuff," Sirius explained, "but Slughorn overheard."_

"_And he set a Potions duel. We have till the day after tomorrow to brew the Somnola potion."_

"_The what?" Peter frowned._

"_Somnola," James repeated. "It's a sleeping draught. Or to put it another way, an advanced potion that I haven't a hope of achieving."_

"_Snivellus, on the other hand, could hardly contain himself," Sirius added._

"_Slughorn set up two cauldrons in the Potions room which only we can touch so that we can work on it. Any bright ideas?"_

_I closed my book and looked over at the three of them sprawled on the floor._

"_You won't win against Snape at Potions," I said thoughtfully._

"_Joining us, are you?" Sirius began but James shushed him._

"_And if only you and Snape have access to the cauldrons-"_

"_He can't sabotage Snape's," Sirius finished._

"_You could ask one of the older students to make it for you." This from Peter._

"_The only trouble with that is that I'm in competition with Snivellus. Whatever I produce has got to be better than his or at least, as good as. You know what he's like at Potions."_

"_Snivellus is hardly likely to share his thoughts on how to make it, is he?" Sirius muttered unhappily. "He's not going to hand over a sample however nicely we ask him."_

"_He wouldn't give us the time of day," Peter agreed._

"_Not us, no…" I said slowly._

"_You've thought of something?" James asked. _

_I told them my idea._

"_Genius!" Sirius declared with sincerity and I flushed._

"_It'll take a bit of doing," Peter said nervously._

"_One thing," James frowned. "We only have two days."_

"_There are some benefits to spending time reading in the Common Room," I smiled. "I happen to know that the third years were set it for homework. About a month ago."_

_James's face lit up and Sirius and Peter grinned. I felt my lips turning upwards into a smile: I still wasn't that used to it._

_As expected, Snape took the challenge extremely seriously and by the end of the next day, when I called into the Potions classroom, he was hunched over his cauldron, carefully stirring and scribbling notes in his textbook in his crabbed handwriting._

"_How's it going, Severus?" I asked politely._

_He did not reply and I moved forward until I was at his shoulder and repeated my question._

_He looked up with a hostile glare._

"_Tell Potter he's already lost," he snapped. "I shall take great delight in seeing his public humiliation tomorrow when I am declared the winner. He will learn not to challenge me."_

_I nodded and left the room._

"_Well?" James was waiting anxiously outside._

"_His potion looks textbook turquoise," I said._

_James groaned. "Why couldn't it be Transfiguration or Quidditch? Even D.A.D.A.. I'd have stood more of a chance."_

"_Now then, Mr Potter!" Slughorn's voice made us jump. "Not slaving away over your cauldron? My, my, you must be confident!"_

_James blinked rapidly and swallowed. He licked his lips and looked as if he were going to say something but for once, ready speech deserted him._

"_No matter, no matter," Slughorn beamed. "Let me see how your opponent is faring."_

_And with that he swept into the classroom._

_James and I immediately pressed ourselves up to the window._

"_Ah, Mr Snape!" Slughorn exclaimed. "How very diligent you are. If only all my students could apply themselves as you do. How are you getting on?"_

_Snape fairly blossomed with the praise._

"_I've finished, Professor," he said proudly._

_Outside, James could not suppress another groan. Luckily neither Snape nor Slughorn appeared to have noticed._

_Slughorn peered into the cauldron where the greeny-blue liquid was bubbling away._

"_I have to say, Mr Snape, it looks remarkably close to perfection. I will be very surprised if Mr Potter can produce anything close to this. Very surprised indeed."_

_Snape looked as if his chest would explode with pride._

"_Of course, it's hard to tell the true colour in this light…"_

"_Let me, Professor!" Snape grabbed an empty potion bottle and ladled a good spoonful inside. He handed it to Slughorn who took it carefully as if it were a Phoenix egg._

_At that moment, there was a noise from behind one of the cupboards. Striding over, Slughorn reached out and grabbing a handful of robes, pulled out a trembling student. It was Peter._

"_Pettigrew! What are you doing here? Spying for your friend were you on Mr Snape's excellent work?"_

_Peter's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out._

_Snape's brows drew down into black fury._

"_Let us go and see Professor McGonagall about your outrageous behaviour!" Slughorn practically dragged Peter to the door of the classroom. "In my day, such underhand actions would mean a good whipping!"_

_He looked back over to Snape._

"_Severus, dear boy, you are an excellent potions brewer - a Potions Master in the making."_

_The anger was wiped from Snape's face and he flushed, as unused to compliments as I was._

"_I'm having a little soiree on Thursday - oh, nothing too formal, just a few select students." _

_We had all heard of Slughorn's soirees for the talented and the connected. So had Snape; he stood a little straighter._

"_I'd be delighted if you'd pop along…if you're not too busy…I know it's Quidditch practice and you young boys seem to revel in the athletic pursuits-"_

"_No, Professor, I'm not doing anything," Snape said quickly, "I'd love to come."_

"_Good, good. See you at seven o'clock then."_

_Slughorn pushed Peter ahead of him out of the room, loudly chastising him as he did so._

_I glanced back into the classroom to see Snape smiling to himself and then James and I followed Slughorn and Peter along the corridor and into an empty classroom._

"_Well?" James asked._

_Slughorn beamed and produced the potions bottle with its precious contents._

_James took it from him gingerly and slowly exhaled._

"_You were bloody brilliant," he said._

_Slughorn tried hard to look modest and failed miserably._

"_I was, wasn't I?" he agreed. "Did you like the touch about the soiree? I bet Snape's wetting himself with excitement."_

"_Your hair's changing," I noted._

_  
"And the rest of you," Peter added._

_Within seconds, Slughorn was gone and Sirius stood there, grinning._

_James looked down at the perfect potion and then round at the three of us._

"_Thanks," he said sincerely._

_Our Potions lesson the next day centred around the results of the contest which was of course no contest. Slughorn declared the two samples submitted to be indistinguishably excellent: the result, a draw._

_Snape fumed. We beamed._

"_It'll be even better next Thursday when Snape turns up as an uninvited guest," Sirius whispered. "What say we go and watch?"_

The First War reached a head as we left Hogwarts. We stayed together, no longer schoolboys, but held fast by the bonds we had formed over the past seven years. The Order of the Phoenix came to represent to me all that was precious and safe in the world, just as Hogwarts and the Marauders had before.

If you didn't live through those years, they are difficult to describe. Looking back, I think of them as a growing darkness seeping into every nook and cranny of life until the familiar disappeared and all that was left surrounding you was a tiny bubble of light: a bubble which you knew at any moment could burst.

It was not unrelentingly grim, of course: battles were won, victories were had and events which would have been cause for joy at any time took on even more significance. There were so few breaks in the clouds that hung over us, that we took the chance to celebrate them fiercely: James and Lily's wedding; Arthur and Molly's little ones; Frank and Alice's Neville; and of course Harry – symbolic and as it turned out later, very real hope.

I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. It seems prosaic but I was sitting at home eating dinner.

_The staccato rap at the door was accompanied by a growl that could only belong to Moody._

"_Let me in, Remus!"_

_I opened the door to my little terraced house and Moody practically fell through it into my front room._

"_Have you heard?" he demanded._

"_Heard what?"_

"_He's gone - defeated - at last!" he said hoarsely._

_I struggled to take in the news._

"_Voldemort…? How- where- what happened?"_

"_It's true. Dumbledore sent me to tell you." He hesitated and looked away. "He didn't want you to find out through someone else."_

"_Find out what?" _

"_His followers are being rounded up now, though doubtless some will plead the Imperius Curse, slippery sons of-"_

"_What happened?" I asked again._

_Again he hesitated then took a deep breath._

"_You know young Harry was a target?"_

"_Of course, I - "I broke off, horrified. "Tell me Harry's alive! He didn't kill Harry?"_

"_No, Harry's fine." He sat down heavily in an armchair in front of the fire._

_I sat in the chair facing, waiting with sudden dread for the story._

"_James and Lily have been in hiding," Moody continued, his tone matter-of-fact. "They appointed Sirius as their Secret Keeper."_

_I nodded impatiently; this much I knew._

"_They've been hiding at Godric's Hollow."_

_He paused and my brain tried to catch up with his words. How did he know this? How could he possibly know this?_

"_Sirius betrayed them to Voldemort," he said baldly._

"_No!" The word was ripped from me. "He would never-! He couldn't-!"_

"_He told Voldemort where to find them," Moody insisted. "Voldemort killed James, then he killed Lily. He tried to kill Harry but for some reason the Avada Kedavra spell didn't work. Something went wrong and it rebounded on to Voldemort. He's gone."_

"_Sirius…?" I said in disbelief. "Sirius did this?"_

"_He's in custody. But he didn't go down without a fight. Nor without a final treacherous act."_

_I waited, numb. What more could there be?_

"_Peter Pettigrew tracked him down. He challenged him in the street. Sirius killed him and a dozen nearby Muggles for good measure."_

_I sat silently, unblinking. I have no idea how long the silence lasted._

_Then Moody said:_

"_Are you all right, lad?"_

_At that, I heard peals of hysterical laughter and was vaguely aware that they were coming from me. The next thing I remember was Moody pushing a glass of Firewhisky into my hand and telling me to drink it straight down. The taste of the alcohol brought me back._

"_Please go, Alastor," I heard myself saying._

"_I'm not leaving you like this -"_

"_Please go," I repeated, my voice still calm. " I'll be fine but I need to be on my own."_

_As the front door closed behind him, I sat frozen, Moody's words running loud in my head like a tickertape mantra: Sirius betrayed them…Voldemort killed James, then he killed Lily… Harry's fine…Peter…Sirius killed him._

_I don't know how long I sat but I found after a while that the fire had died and the bottle was empty. Things made no more sense to me drunk than sober._

I'm still not sure how I got through the wilderness I found myself in after Voldemort's fall. My closest friends taken and everything I thought I knew pulled apart in one single night. The aching void I felt inside nearly consumed me as I tried to understand this new world.

Naturally I stayed strong in front of others. Like I said before, keeping feelings locked up is second nature to me. The feelings are still there, raw and angry: they just don't show. I would listen to the chattering gossip or well-meant condolences around me with weary politeness and the dull pain would wrap itself round my insides and squeeze a little tighter.

In the end, I realised I had to rationalise it if I were to survive and so I did. I took the cold facts and believed them. I shut off my memories into compartments like the Hogwarts Express and I got on with living.

When Voldemort re-emerged, I remember hearing the news in disbelief. It was as if my friends' sacrifices had been in vain. All I could think about was how dark the days had been before and how much worse they were going to be without those closest to me.

Finding Sirius again was…well, let's just say that I hadn't realised how much I'd missed him until I had him back.

"_How did you know?" Sirius asked suspiciously as I walked into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place._

"_One of the signs of a true werewolf," I replied, sitting down at the kitchen table. "The ability to smell freshly brewed tea. Milk, no sugar, please." _

"_I haven't forgotten," he said, pouring me a cup. He pushed it over to me then sat down opposite._

"_How are you getting on?" I asked, sipping the hot tea._

_Sirius pulled a face._

"_Okay, I suppose. Well, fairly grim. I just wish I could set foot outside this place. I told Dumbledore that I survived for over a year on the outside and that includes looking after a wanted Hippogriff."_

"_What did he say?"  
_

_Sirius gave a kind of doleful snort._

"_Said things were different now. Insisted it's not only my safety but Harry's that's at stake."_

"_Ah." _

_Consciously or not, Dumbledore knew exactly which emotional levers to pull._

"_Yes, 'ah'," Sirius agreed. "Naturally I'm not going to disobey him. It doesn't stop me wishing things were different."_

_We both drank our tea in silence._

"_Anyway, there are some good things about always being here," Sirius conceded._

"_Such as?"_

"_People come and go regularly enough and they bring news. It's been good to see Dedalus and Emmeline and the others again."_

"_I bet Emmeline still calls you a wicked boy."_

"_Like I was twenty-one," Sirius nodded and sighed. "Doesn't it seem a lifetime ago, Moony?"_

"_Longer," I agreed. "We were the young ones then. Now we've got Kingsley and Tonks looking to us just as we used to look to Fabian and Gideon."_

"_Funny how things work out," Sirius mused. "Two years ago, I'd never have thought I'd see you again, let alone Emmeline. As for Kingsley and Tonks…well, I'm grateful I've had the chance to meet them."_

"_Did she ever like being called Nymphadora?"_

_Sirius chuckled. _

"_Andromeda said she settled on Tonks when she was about six and refused to answer to anything else. I said that stubborn, rebellious streak reminded me very much of her mother."_

"_Actually she reminds me a lot of you," I said without thinking. _

_Sirius looked quizzically at me. _

"_I'm guessing you're going to say because she's witty and charming but please do elaborate." _

"_Well, that of course," I said, holding up a hand in acknowledgement, "but what I meant was she's like you used to be…like we were the first time round. When we didn't know any better. When it seemed inconceivable that any of us would die. When we thought even if one of us did fall, the others would be around to pick up the pieces."_

_I paused for a moment._

"_She still has an innocence. She's untouched by death."_

"_Untouched by death…" Sirius echoed and there was a silence._

_Sirius broke it._

"_I wonder who'll be the first to go this time."_


	2. Chapter 2 Because

Understanding Remus by InFabula

Disclaimer: these wonderful characters belong to JK: I just borrowed them for a bit.

Chapter Two: Because

A short list of what I find attractive in a person:

1) Someone who stands out from the crowd

_The Order had assembled at Grimmauld Place and we were waiting for Dumbledore to call the meeting to order. He did not seem in a great hurry to do so. Instead he was watching with a benevolent eye as acquaintances were renewed and made._

_A young witch with a heart-shaped face and a shock of violet hair bounced up to Sirius and myself._

"_Nymphadora Tonks," Sirius announced, smiling. "My second cousin."_

"_It's just Tonks," she said glaring at Sirius and thrusting out a hand for me to shake._

"_Remus Lupin," I replied. "And just Remus will be fine."_

"_Mum said Sirius was aggravating and I can see what she means."_

"_Yes, he can be extremely annoying," I smiled._

_I became aware that I was still holding her hand and dropped it hurriedly._

_She looked at me a little curiously._

"_Are you all right?"_

_Without waiting for an answer, she ran a hand through her hair and went on:_

"_Do you know something? When I was little, I used to love the cherries in tinned fruit salad. Mum and Dad used to save theirs for me. When Uncle Ernie came round to tea, he's push the cherries to the side of his plate and when he'd eaten everything else, and just when I thought he was going to give them to me, he'd eat them."_

_She looked accusingly at Sirius._

"_Mum said it was just the sort of thing you'd do."_

"_Character-building stuff," Sirius protested._

"_Jolly cruel, when you're five," Tonks retorted as Sirius darted off to greet Emmeline._

"_It sounds like something Sirius would do," I agreed. "When he was younger, anyway. I think he's improved somewhat since then."_

_She fixed me with a penetrating gaze. "Did you know Sirius at school then?"_

_I nodded and something changed in her manner. She seemed to withdraw from me even though she hadn't moved an inch._

_She glanced round at the rest of the Order._

"_They're all over him now. Makes you wonder where they were fourteen years ago."_

_The words were pointed and I felt obliged to say something._

"_Tonks, you have to understand that we all thought Sirius was the Secret Keeper for James and Lily Potter. Every one of us. Even Dumbledore. We had no idea Sirius had switched the role to Peter. Peter's supposed murder just added to what we thought."_

_She did not look as if she believed me._

"_I lost Lily, James, Sirius and Peter that night," I said quietly. "The worst of it was, I didn't understand why. I couldn't reconcile the idea of Sirius as a traitor with what I knew of him. In the end, I had to accept it. We all did. There seemed no other answer."_

"_But there was," she said in a low, fierce voice._

_I caught Tonks by the arm. "Don't you think I wish we'd found out the truth back then? Don't you think I wish I could give Sirius those years back? Of course I do. Those years were so empty and painful for me. I can't begin to imagine what Sirius went through. All I know is that now he's back, I don't intend to see his life taken away from him again. Not if I can help it."_

_I'd said more and spoken more passionately about how I felt than I had to anyone even Sirius. Something in Tonks's eyes made me want to convince her._

_Whether it was the manner or what I actually said that did the job, I don't know. The cool look faded away and was replaced a warmth and friendliness that pleased me._

_I still had my hand on her arm and she reached up and squeezed it._

"_I'm glad he has you."_

2) Someone who accepts me completely and without question

_It was mayhem at Grimmauld Place. The Weasleys had arrived and Mrs Black was protesting at the top of her painted lungs. _

_I had retreated to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea but before I had chance to do so, Fred and George barrelled through the door and came to an abrupt halt in front of me._

"_Professor Lupin!" said one of them whom I was almost certain was George._

"_Ron told us-"_

"_But he gets things wrong-"_

"_And we were just wondering…is it true?"_

_They stood looking at me, eyes wide._

_I felt my face tighten. It certainly wasn't the first time I had had to explain my situation to someone who had known me but not known about me. I was also aware that curiosity was a key characteristic in any teenage boy let alone the twins for whom it was second nature. It was the unhealthy fascination with which they were regarding me which was disappointing: I had thought them above that._

"_Yes, it's true," I acknowledged with a tight smile. "I am a werewolf."_

_They blinked in unison._

"_Oh, that," George said. "We know that. We're talking about the Marauder's Map. Is it true you're Moony?"_

_It was my turn to blink._

"_Yes," I managed, my face relaxing into a genuine smile. "Yes, I'm Moony."_

"_Wow," said Fred. "Just…"_

"_Wow," George finished and I realised it was not with prurience they had been looking at me but awe._

_Before they could say anything else, Molly's voice rang out. "Fred! George! I need you here and I need you now!"_

_Rolling their eyes and muttering curses under their breath they disappeared._

"_I didn't know that."_

_I started. Tucked up in a corner, her cloak around her sat Tonks._

"_Keeping out of Molly's way," she said by way of explanation. "I didn't know you were a werewolf," she continued and all the awkwardness which had just left me came flooding back._

"_Does that make a difference?" I asked, part of me surprised to find that I desperately didn't want it to._

"_Nope. Just makes you more interesting," She smiled. She hesitated then said softly: "It's not easy being different, is it?"_

_Not pity! Anything but pity! I opened my mouth to mutter the usual platitudes when she stood up, her hair rippling through various styles and colours - red curls, black spikes, peacock blue ringlets, silver bob - before returning to the violet cut which framed her face._

"_You're a Metamorphagus," I said stupidly._

_She grinned. "I know."_

"_I didn't."_

"_Does it make a difference?" She arched an eyebrow at me. "I was born one. Gave me a headstart when it came to Auror training."_

"_I can imagine."_

"_I did think about other careers. I told my dad I wanted to be a Muggle air stewardess. He told me my worst qualities were my nimbleness and athleticism and that my first and probably last planeload of passengers would leave at the double for the nearest dry cleaners."_

_I laughed._

"_Employment prospects for werewolves are somewhat limited."_

"_I can imagine," she echoed._

"_Remus!" Molly's voice pierced the air._

"_She needs you there," Tonks said helpfully, "and she needs you now."_

3) Someone with the same likes and dislikes

_The Order were gathering. Sirius, Tonks and I were standing together chatting about nothing very much. I was just thinking how comfortable it all felt when we were interrupted._

"_Nymphadora. I haven't seen you since Hogwarts." It was Snape. "A pleasure," he said extending his hand, his tone belying his words._

_Tonks shook it briefly. I did not need to look to know that Sirius was scowling over my shoulder._

"_The Order brings strange bedfellows together," Snape went on, "An Auror, a convict and a werewolf…"_

"_Sounds like the start to a joke, doesn't it?" Tonks said cheerfully._

_Snape ignored her._

_  
"In the course of your normal duties, Nymphadora, I suppose you would be hunting these two down..." He looked at Sirius. "Imprisoning them in Azkaban…" His gaze locked on to me. "Or executing them…"_

_I felt Sirius start forward but before I could say anything, Tonks jumped in:_

"_You're quite right. There's no picking or choosing who you work with in the Order. It's like teachers. You just get landed with them. Even if they're the most vicious, snide, nasty-minded individuals you could ever hope to meet."_

_Snape's mouth drew itself into a very thin line._

"_But for the record," Tonks went on, " I'm proud to be working with Sirius and Remus." She emphasised our names; the implication was that there were others she was less happy to have as colleagues._

"_I see," Snape said shortly and left us._

_Tonks looked round at the two of us._

"_Sorry but he was my least favourite person at school," she said with fervour, "and that includes Polly Choat who told everyone I was made out of bewitched plasticine."_

"_There's no need to apologise," I assured her._

_Sirius was grinning widely. "He was never top of our Christmas card list either."_

4) Someone who cares about the same things I do

"_Tea's up."_

_Startled, I turned round in my chair._

_In the doorway of the little first floor study stood Tonks, mug in one hand and cup and saucer in the other._

_She entered the room and carefully put the cup and saucer down on the desk in front of me. _

"_I brought you a cuppa," she said unnecessarily. "Molly thinks you're working too hard. I do, too," she added, plonking herself down on the floor unceremoniously. _

_I turned my chair to face her, rubbing the bridge of my nose as I did so. I could indeed do with a break, I decided; the ancient texts made you work hard before they gave up their secrets. I looked down at the tea: almost all of it was inside the cup._

"_There's ginger nuts," Tonks declared, delving into the pockets of her robes. She produced five and a half biscuits and kneeling up, pushed three of them across the desk at me._

_I studied the biscuits which had a light dusting of fluff and was about to decline them when I caught sight of the look in Tonks's eyes. This was nothing to do with tea and biscuits: she wanted to talk. _

"_Sirius," I guessed picking up a biscuit and she nodded._

"_He hates it here you know. No one else seems to understand or care but I can see how miserable he is. You must have noticed."_

"_Yes. It's prison once more," I agreed, dipping the ginger nut into the tea and munching thoughtfully._

"_Dumbledore won't listen. He just won't let Sirius out."_

"_I know. I've tried to persuade him."_

_She looked up at me with a worried frown. "What can we do?"_

"_Well," I said slowly, "it isn't the answer but it may help in the short-term if I move in here. At least then he'll have some company."_

_Tonks's face lit up. "That would be terrific! I mean there are always people in and out of here but it's night-time when he's on his own…"_

_I reached for another biscuit. "I'll ask Sirius if he minds-"_

"_He won't!" she beamed._

_I smiled back and a little conspiracy was born between us._

5) Someone who makes me smile

_Christmas night. Tonks had joined us at tea time and a new member of the Order, Fleur Delacoeur, had also arrived at Bill's invitation having expressed a desire to experience an "Eenglish" Christmas. Molly and the children were in bed and the two late visitors were sitting with Bill, Sirius and myself in the sitting room. _

_The fire was lit and the five of us were working our way through a case of Firewhisky._

"_My father 's taste in wine and whisky was always good," Sirius said, opening another bottle and topping up all the glasses. "The one thing about him that was."_

_I sipped the rich liquid and felt it coat my throat with warm velvet. It was without doubt the most expensive and most exquisite alcohol I had tasted._

"_Zis ees jus' wonderful," said Fleur, eyes bright. She was sat on the old dragonhide sofa next to Bill. They had started off the evening at opposite ends of it but a few glasses of Firewhisky later, Fleur was snuggling into Bill's side and Bill in turn had his arm loosely round her shoulder. I smiled inwardly and wondered if Molly and Arthur were aware of this entente cordiale._

_Sirius sat in the armchair in the centre of the room, dispensing drinks in his role as genial host. Tonks was perched on the wide arm of my chair, closest to the fire. Every now and then, she would reach down and put another log on the fire or wield a poker to revive it. She hadn't said much all evening but I supposed that like myself, she was happy to sit and listen to the others._

"_To the ancient and most noble cellar of the House of Black," Sirius proposed._

"_I'll drink to that," I quickly seconded and we all drank._

_After that, the toasts flew thick and fast: the silly - "To life, liberty and the pursuit of You-Know-Who" (Sirius), the flirtatious - "To Anglo-French relations" (Bill), the sincere if uninspired - "To ze makers of zis wonderful whiskee" (Fleur), the serious - "To those we care about" (me) - and the cryptic "To those who don't know we care" (Tonks)._

"_Where ees zat 'orrible leetle elf Bill tol' me about?" Fleur asked suddenly._

"_Yes, where is Kreacher?" Bill asked. "I thought the air was distinctly sweeter."_

_Sirius shrugged. "I expect he's sulking somewhere. Suits me. If he were here now, we'd just see his sullen face and have to listen to him moaning."_

"_Mistress would not like this," said a voice._

_We all turned. Tonks had slipped off her chair to attend to the fire and as we watched, her features transformed into those of the unhelpful house elf._

"_Mistress would not let the precious bottles be drunk! She would not permit it to disappear down such undeserving throats!"_

_We all laughed and Tonks launched into an impromptu monologue. She became Mrs Black, bewailing the arrival of filth and half-breeds and foreigners in her house; she was Emmeline, pretending to scold Sirius and calling him "a wicked boy"; she was Molly, summoning Sirius and myself to help with imaginary doxies; and then Professor McGonagall, advising Bill on his career choices._

_Tonks was a clever mimic. She had people's mannerisms and vocabulary down pat. I found myself breathless with laughter as "Minerva" urged Bill to consider Blast Ended Skrewt Wrangling as a viable option._

"_I have known many students who have turned their hands to this line of work and who have found great fulfilment," she said. "Of course, they have also found they have slightly fewer fingers on their hands than when they started."_

_Amid the general laughter, Fleur suddenly let out an enormous yawn._

"_I am so sorry!" she apologised. "Oh, do go on, Tonks, you are 'ilarious!"_

_But Tonks had become Tonks once more._

"_You're right," she said, straightening up. "It is late. And it's been a long day."_

"_Time for bed, I think," said Sirius, draining his glass. "Tonks - you know your room. Bill, Fleur, I'll just show you the guest rooms."_

_As the three disappeared through the door, Tonks bent down over the fire. I couldn't see her face properly, just the edge, licked by firelight._

"_Are you all right, Tonks?" I asked. "Only you've been quiet all evening."_

_She didn't answer for a moment then when she did speak it was barely a whisper._

"_It's the attack on Arthur." _

_I leaned forward in my chair, puzzled. "What about it?"_

_There was a pause and then:_

"_I'm just so glad it wasn't-"_

"_Moony!" Sirius came back into the room. "Tonks! Are you ready to hit the sack? Or do you want me to crack open another bottle?"_

_I sat there in silence looking stupidly at Tonks. What had she been going to say? Did she want to talk further? I didn't know what to do._

_Tonks turned to face us. _

"_I'm really tired, Sirius. I'm going to head on up. Goodnight, both of you." _

_And she left without another word._

6) Someone who feels they can confide in me

_New Year's Day was miserable. Rain sheeted down through London hitting the pavements in hard needles. I scurried into Grimmauld Place, clutching the bag of provisions._

_Sirius was in the hall._

"_Took your time," he said. "How did you get on?"_

"_Took me forever to find a shop that was open," I explained. I peered into the bag. "Meat pie, pork chops, sausages, vegetables. And, er…"_

_Sirius pounced on the hesitation._

"_And? And?"_

"_Chocolate profiteroles." _

_He grinned. _

"_You can stay. I'm off to see to Buckbeak. Tonks is down there by the way," he said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the kitchen._

"_Tonks?"_

_Sirius shrugged._

"_Turned up just after you'd left. Doesn't seem herself, actually. Mind you, this weather's enough to get anybody down."_

_He headed up the stairs and I headed to the kitchen. Tonks was sitting at the table, mug of tea in hand._

"_Wotcher, Remus," she said. Her voice lacked its usual bounce._

"_I thought you were with your parents for New Year."_

"_Mum and Dad have gone off to see Dad's folks in Spain. It is OK to be here, isn't it?" she asked suddenly._

"_Of course." I looked in the bag. "Meat pie will go three ways. Just don't eat too many profiteroles. They're Sirius's favourites."_

"_I promise," she smiled. "Can I help?"_

_I hesitated momentarily. Tonks's enthusiasm and willingness sometimes outstripped the actual help. On the other hand, it seemed unlikely she could go far wrong peeling carrots._

_We stood side by side preparing the vegetables. I debated whether or not to break the silence; it was comfortable but I felt there were things unsaid between us._

_In the end I settled for:_

"_Are you OK?"_

_Tonks concentrated on the carrot in front of her._

"_Only at Christmastime, it seemed as if you wanted to talk about something…" I tailed off aware that of the many ways I could have broached the subject of that Christmas half-conversation, I had chosen by far the clumsiest._

_There was a silence which seemed to last for minutes. Just when I thought I was going to have to break it, Tonks let out a heavy sigh._

"_I'm just being stupid," she said, giving the carrot a savage chop. "I know what the Order's about. I knew when I joined. It's just that up until Arthur was attacked, I hadn't really thought about the danger. Not to me, I don't mean me," she added hastily. "To those around me. What happened to Arthur brought it all home."_

_I picked up another potato and started peeling it as I thought about how to answer this._

"_James had a Great-Aunt Violet. She had Seer blood."_

_Tonks looked up, startled at this non-sequitur._

"_James told me about a funny turn she had just after his wedding. She started talking about death and treachery amongst the Order. She was quite right as it happened," I gave a half-smile. _

"_James started worrying about what would happen if he died or Lily was killed or anything happened to Sirius, Peter or me."_

_Tonks had put down her knife and was looking at me intensely._

"_He spoke to Sirius about how he felt. So now I'm going to repeat to you what Sirius said."_

_I put down my knife and faced her._

"_We know what we're doing is right, don't we?"_

_She nodded mutely._

"_So if we fall," I went on, "it will be for something we believe in. And whoever's left will look after each other. It's as simple as that. It isn't any use worrying about what might happen. We need to take each day as it comes."_

_She looked as if she was considering this advice._

"_But what if no one's left?" she said eventually. "You didn't have anyone."_

"_No, no, that's true," I smiled at her damn logic. "Well, perhaps I bear witness to the fact that you can survive. Even when everything and everyone you care about it gone."_

_She nodded slowly. _

"_You're right," she said. "Live each day for what it is. Make sure those you care about know it. Don't be frightened of losing them."_

_She gave me a stare and I felt as if she were waiting for me to say something._

"_Exactly," I agreed. "Now let's get on with this veg."_

_She gave a small sigh and a smile and turned back to the chopping board._

7) Someone who can surprise me

_It was March. Spring had reached even Grimmauld Place. Tired trees had pushed forth green leaves, straggly daffodils were in bloom and even wispy honeysuckle that had looked a lost cause two months ago had come back to life._

_As I closed the door to number 12, I was immediately covered in silvery dust accompanied by a noisy cheer and a chorus of "Happy Birthday", marred only by Mrs Black's shrieks of fury._

_Tonks and Sirius stood there, grinning._

"_Happy birthday, Moony!" Sirius said, enveloping me in a bear hug._

"_Wotcher, Remus!" Tonks planted an emphatic kiss on my cheek. "Did you think we'd forget?"_

"_It's all very unexpected," I confessed, thinking to myself that that included the kiss._

"_It's all right, it's only me and Tonks," Sirius said hurriedly, anticipating my next question. "We just thought we'd surprise you."_

"_Close your eyes," Tonks commanded._

_I did so and the pair of them led me giggling down the stairs to the basement kitchen._

"_You can look now," said Sirius._

_I stared open-mouthed at the table, laden with sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on sticks, crisps, sandwiches - all manner of party food. In the middle, was a cake. It had been decorated with the words "HAPPY BIRTHDA" and six candles._

"_Sirius made it," Tonks said._

"_Thanks for the warning."_

"_It was all Tonks's idea."_

_I frowned._

"_What happened to the 'Y'?"_

"_Ran out of room," Sirius admitted. "Figured you'd probably work it out."_

"_I was going to put on a candle for every year," Tonks said solemnly, "but Sirius said it would present a fire hazard."_

"_Thank you, child." I rolled my eyes. "You'll be old too someday, you know."_

"_I'll never catch you up," she replied smartly and ducked out of the way of the mock-cuff I aimed at her._

"_Didn't your parents bring you up to respect your elders and betters?" I scolded. "Irreverent ragamuffin!"_

"_Cards and presents," she said placatingly and held up a package and an envelope. Sirius did the same._

_I opened the cards first. They were both handmade. Sirius had drawn a cartoon of himself saying: "I like you for what you are". Inside it read: "Older than me"._

"_Not by much," I retorted._

_Tonks's card was a neat sketch of me flying on a broomstick. She had captured me very well, worn robes, grey hairs and all. She had charmed it so that the figure was moving through the air, wind blowing its robes and ruffling its hair. _

"_I didn't know you could draw," I said, staring down at the card. "It's brilliant."_

_Tonks flushed._

"_Well, Sirius was making his card so I thought I should. Presents now," she demanded._

_I opened hers first. It was a smart, new quill, most welcome as I had broken the nib on my old one a few days earlier._

"_Thanks," I said, delighted._

"_Mine next," said Sirius and he pushed a parcel into my hand._

_It was an old photograph of Sirius, James and myself inside a mahogany frame._

"_Third year. Hallowe'en weekend trip to Hogsmeade," he said and I nodded._

"_Peter was recovering from some illness-"_

"_- Hetherington's cough -"_

"_- that's why he's not there…" I tailed off as I looked at the faces from a time and a place so long ago._

"_Found it upstairs in my old room. They destroyed my things when I moved out but this was stuck at the back of a bookcase. I wanted you to have it as a reminder of…well, of everything."_

_Of hope, love, friendship, innocence…everything._

"_Thanks," I said simply._

_Tonks peered down at the three boys who promptly stuck their tongues out at her. She retaliated in kind then said:_

"_Was I even born when this was taken?"_

_Sirius and I exchanged glances then he picked up a nearby sausage roll and I armed myself with a sandwich._

"_We will have you know, Nymphadora Tonks, that neither of us are as ancient as you believe," I said reprovingly._

"_Furthermore, unless you wish to engage in all out food warfare, with two champions of the art, you will kindly refrain from further remarks highlighting the age difference between us," Sirius added sternly._

"_All right, all right," Tonks giggled. "I spent too long buttering bread to see it all over the floor. Although-" she grimaced as I bit into the sandwich I was holding._

"_Although what?" I asked, mouth half-full._

"_You might want to skip the cheese ones. I dropped the loaf on the floor when I was making them," she confessed. "Some of them may be a bit…gritty."_

8) Someone I can talk to

_It was about six weeks after my birthday. I sat at my desk ostensibly trying to fathom a problematic text. In reality, I had stared at the same page for some time without registering the letters and symbols._

_Sighing, I reached down to find a reference book in the heaps around my feet and found Tonks, knees drawn up under her chin sitting against the wall._

"_Hello," I said, surprised. "I didn't hear you come in. How long have you been there?"_

"_A while. I was going to say something but you looked like you were concentrating and I didn't want to interrupt."_

_She nodded at the quill in my hand._

"_Is it OK?"_

"_It's the one I would have chosen for myself."_

_She looked pleased. She hesitated then said:_

"_I wasn't sure if you were working on that stuff or not. You seemed to be a million miles away, really."_

_I smiled. I reached forward and picked up the photo Sirius had given me for my birthday. The three boys in it were busy pulling faces._

"_Actually, I was thinking about Hogwarts. Sirius and I spoke to Harry yesterday."_

_And I told her about what Harry had seen in Snape's Pensieve._

"_Serves Snape right!" she snorted. "What a horrible git! Even when Lily was trying to help him!"_

"_Yes," I said sadly. "Yes, he could be obnoxious beyond words."_

_Tonks looked at me._

"_But…?"_

_I sighed._

"_Severus Snape did nothing to help himself at school. He spouted ignorant rubbish about Hogwarts being for purebloods. He was malevolent and spiteful and he had a running grudge with Sirius, James, Peter and myself."_

"_Doesn't sound like he changed much when he got older," said Tonks with feeling._

"_However, that particular incident was one which upset me greatly. Because I was the Prefect, you see. I should have stepped in, I should have stopped James and Sirius before they started, before the whole incident escalated. But I didn't. I knew I should have done. I should have said something, I should have stopped the attack which was not provoked. But I didn't. I sat, frozen on the grass, pretending to read a book, as if as long as I didn't look up, the confrontation wasn't going to happen."_

_I looked down at the photo, at another me, another time._

"_When Lily stood up to James and Sirius that day, I was ashamed. Ashamed because she was saying what I knew I should be saying."_

"_Then why didn't you?" Tonks asked gently. "What were you so worried about?"_

_I was silent. How could I explain what it was like? What I had been like? _

"_I didn't want to lose their friendship," I said eventually. "It meant everything to me. Before I came to Hogwarts, I was on my own. Always. I didn't want to go back there."_

"_But if they were your friends…"_

"_Sirius and James could make life awkward. There were times when the atmosphere in our dorm was distinctly chilly. If I'd defended Snape…"_

"_You thought they would never speak to you again."_

_I nodded. _

"_I can't explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it but the sheer joy of belonging, of having friends where you've never had them before…it's intoxicating. You don't want to lose that feeling. _I _didn't want to lose that feeling."_

"_If they could be so difficult, weren't you worried they'd tell everyone you were a werewolf?"_

"_To begin with. They didn't really think things through. And they had no idea of the impact of their actions on others. They could have ended my time at Hogwarts with one word."_

"_What changed?"_

_I gave a sigh._

"_If you don't want to tell me it's fine," she said quickly._

"_No, no, it's OK, it's just old history. There was a prank that went wrong. Sirius sent Snape to find me one full moon. He just meant to scare him. He didn't think any further than giving Snape the fright of his life and he thought he would turn back long before he reached me."_

"_What!" Tonks looked as if she could hardly believe her ears._

"_Luckily, James had the sense to imagine the consequences if Snape actually did find me. He went after Snape and saved him. After that, both James and Sirius changed. They started to think more about how their actions affected other people. I stopped worrying."_

_Tonks sat in silence, digesting the story._

"_Do me a favour," I said, "and don't mention it to Sirius. Even after all these years, he still feels guilty. He still thinks Snape deserved to meet a werewolf just not a werewolf he knows and cares about. He learnt his lesson."_

"_If Snape had been bitten," Tonks asked slowly, "what would have happened to you?"_

"_Execration, expulsion, execution," I said lightly._

"_But it wouldn't have been your fault!" she said with indignation. "That's so unfair!"_

_I laughed._

_  
"Welcome to the world of the werewolf. 'Fair' never comes into it."_

_I sat the photo back on the table._

"_Sirius would lay down his life for his friends. He would back then and he would now. So would I. So would James and believe it or not, there was a time when I would have said that of Peter too. I just wished I'd had the courage to test that friendship once in a while by speaking out."_

_Tonks kneeled up and took my hand._

"_It's in the past, Remus. You've just told me that Sirius learned from poor choices he made and that he doesn't need reminding. Listen to your own advice. Stop picking at the memory like it's some sort of scab. You were a young boy then, you're a man now. More importantly, you know yourself. It's not to say you won't act this way again - you're only human after all - but let this go."_

_Our faces were very close and all of a sudden, the room seemed very hot. I could feel my cheeks flushing. The heat was almost tangible. All I could focus on was her face and I suddenly found myself thinking about the kiss on the cheek she'd given me on my birthday. I was conscious of her lips, slightly parted, inviting and I started wondering what it would be like to kiss those lips, to press my mouth to hers, to gather her to me…_

_With an immense effort, I sat back in my chair, putting distance between us. Tonks sat back on her heels._

"_You're very wise," I said hoarsely with a weak smile._

_She blinked a couple of times. Had she felt what I'd felt? Then she pulled her face into familiar features._

"_Who needs Dumbledore?"_

9) Someone with bravery and compassion in equal measures

_Dumbledore had called a meeting. Kingsley and Moody had already arrived and were sitting in the kitchen which by virtue of the fact that Mrs Black had rarely set foot in it, was by far the cheeriest room at Grimmauld Place._

_A thump in the hall accompanied by a stream of eloquent foulness from Mrs Black suggested the arrival of Tonks._

"_I'll go," I volunteered._

_The umbrella stand was rolling on its side at the foot of the stairs. Tonks was trying in vain to tug the black curtains across the portrait._

"_Blood-filth! Spawn of a Mudblood!" _

"_Let me help," I said, grabbing one side._

_Struggling, we managed to haul the curtains together._

"_I swear Kreacher puts something on that curtain pole to stop them closing," Tonks panted._

"_He's certainly the one that opens them up," I agreed, breathing heavily. "We'd just leave her covered up all the time otherwise."_

_It was the first time I'd seen her since the almost-kiss. I'd convinced myself that I'd imagined it all. What on earth was I thinking? The last thing a young girl like Tonks needed was a poor, old werewolf. _

_Standing with her in the hall, however, I was surprised to find a lingering trace of electricity between us. I'd never noticed before how marvellously intense her eyes were. She would never need Veritaserum: it would be impossible to lie to those eyes. _

"_What are you thinking, Remus?" she asked._

_I opened and shut my mouth a couple of times and then was saved by an exclamation from the kitchen._

_We headed down the steps: standing in front of the kitchen sink, wreathed in silvery-green flames, was Snape._

_Tonks could not suppress a gasp; Kingsley looked taken aback; Moody, whom nothing fazed, inclined his head by way of acknowledgement; Sirius and I merely exchanged glances: Snape had been performing this particular means of apparition since his seventh year at Hogwarts._

"_It's not convenient for me to use the normal channels of communication," the image of Snape began, ignoring the usual pleasantries as was his wont. "So I decided projection was probably the quickest and best method."_

_Certain that he had our attention, he went on: "Professor Umbridge appears to have overstepped the mark somewhat. She's taken it upon herself to interrogate Potter, Granger and some of the other children-"_

"_Harry?" Sirius broke in sharply. "What was she-?"_

"_As I was saying," Snape cut across him, his eyes daring Sirius to interrupt him again. "She was interrogating Potter and the others in her office and asked me to prepare some Veritaserum-"_

"_You didn't give her any, did you?" Tonks could not help herself._

"_Listen!" Snape snapped. "She found Potter using her fire to communicate with someone. Did he speak to you, Black?"_

_Sirius shook his head. "I haven't spoken to Harry for a while."_

"_Really."_

_Snape put a wealth of meaning into the word and I laid a hand on Sirius's arm, sensing his temper rising._

"_Go on, Severus," I encouraged._

_Snape looked a little disappointed that the bait had not been taken but continued: _

"_Well, he was probably trying to reach here. He seems convinced that you are in trouble. As I was leaving, he shouted out 'He's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden'. I recognised your ridiculous nickname and took it to mean he believes you're being held at the Ministry of Magic. I cast a quick Searching Spell and of course you were still here in hiding. Naturally."_

"_Voldemort," Moody said instantly. "He's realised the connection and he's using it to his advantage."_

"_He's setting a trap for Harry," Kingsley agreed. "They want him to go to the Ministry-"_

"_And they'll be waiting for him," breathed Tonks._

"_I never thought that Dolores Umbridge would be Harry's saviour," I said, "but while he's with her, he's safe-"_

"_Quiet, all of you!" Sirius growled. He was staring intently at Snape. "What haven't you told us?"_

_His face unreadable, Snape shrugged. _

"_I understand that Potter and Granger led Professor Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest. The other children escaped. None of them have been seen since. I plan to search the Forest but if they're not there…" He left the thought dangling._

_There was a moment's silence as the others digested this then I said slowly:_

"_If Harry's free…"_

"…_he'll head to the Ministry," Sirius finished, jumping to his feet. "We need to get there fast!"_

_The others rose also._

"_I think it unwise that you all charge in recklessly," said Snape smoothly. " Especially you, Black. If the others arrive at the Ministry in your company it may raise some awkward questions."_

"_He has got a point," Kingsley conceded._

"_Does Dumbledore know?" Moody suddenly asked._

"_I believe he's expected at any moment with you," Snape remarked. "Someone should stay behind to explain what has happened. Given your…lack of front-line experience, Black, you would probably be the best candidate."_

"_He's right, Sirius," Tonks ventured. "The last thing we want is for you to be captured and taken to Azkaban again."_

"_Or worse," Kingsley said softly._

"_Stay here, boy," advised Moody. "Tell Dumbledore."_

_Sirius glanced at the other three and then finally at me. An observant onlooker might have caught the briefest raised eyebrow from Sirius and the faintest frown in response from me. I looked away, seeing the implacable resolve in Sirius's eyes and knowing that the battle was already lost._

"_Not a chance," Sirius announced grimly, fiery purpose cascading through him for the first time in months. "Kreacher can tell Dumbledore everything he needs to know. Harry is all that matters."_

_I nodded, lending Sirius my support. "So let's find him."_

_Snape cleared his throat. "I still think-"_

"_Run along and play in the Forest, Snape," Sirius said brusquely. _

"_Watch out for any Dark Creatures," I added._

_Snape pursed his lips and vanished._

_Tonks looked like she wanted to protest but quickly realised the futility of doing so: a conclusion both Moody and Kingsley had already reached - the one through familiarity and the other through judgement of character._

_Sirius wasted no time in summoning an oddly gleeful Kreacher and instructing him to tell Dumbledore what had happened._

_We exited the house and stood on the edge of Grimmauld Place._

"_Let's Apparate to the entrance of the Department of Mysteries," Kingsley suggested. "That's where Harry will be headed."_

"_Agreed," Moody said._

"_We're wasting time," snapped Sirius._

_The three of them disappeared. As I prepared to follow suit, I felt a tug on my sleeve._

"_Be careful," Tonks said fiercely. "You and Sirius - if you get caught - Snape's right - one of you should wait for Dumbledore - suppose the Ministry find you there - find Sirius there - they'll act first and ask questions later -"_

"_Tonks!" I said loudly to stem the machine-gun flow of words. "Firstly, nothing on this earth is going to keep Sirius or myself away if Harry is in danger and secondly, it's OK to be frightened."_

_Her eyes went wide with indignation._

"_I'm not afraid!" she denied hotly._

"_Oh, not for yourself," I said hurriedly. "You're frightened the same way I am. Because this is it. And people we care about are involved."_

_She exhaled and nodded._

_I smiled, leaned forward and kissed her chastely on the forehead._

"_Be careful yourself, Nymphadora Tonks."_

_And we Apparated._

10) Someone I can't imagine life without

_The flurry of battle…Kingsley duelling two Death Eaters…no sign of Tonks or Moody…Sirius and Bellatrix up on the dais…Lucius Malfoy threatening Harry and Neville…_

"_Harry, round up the others and GO!"_

"_Dumbledore's pet werewolf! Let's see what you're made of, vermin."_

_Shouts and gasps…Dumbledore's arrival…Death Eaters defeated…Sirius ducking a shot from Bellatrix…"You'll have to do better than that"…_

_And then she did. Her shot caught him smack on the chest and he fell backward in one long, slow, balletic movement and disappeared through the veil._

_Suddenly, Harry was charging past me. I grabbed him and held him fast as he struggled, calling Sirius's name._

"_He's gone," I managed. "He's d-"_

"_NO!" Harry's desperate denial. _

_As he sprinted from the room in furious pursuit of Bellatrix, I watched him go as if I were on autopilot; there but not there._

_While the climax to the battle raged elsewhere, I remember walking up to the veil and staring at it._

"_He's gone," said Kingsley at my shoulder, echoing my own words to Harry._

"_I know," I whispered._

"_One less blood traitor to worry about," Malfoy called out from where he sat, held in thrall by Dumbledore's spell._

_I ignored him. I forced the anger back down inside me. I would deal with the grief, denial, rage and all other emotions later. I would not give Malfoy and the others satisfaction. Right now, I was going to-_

"_NO!" The word was ripped from me. I could see Moody bending over a motionless figure that I knew with stomach-churning certainty had to be Tonks and the world stopped for me again._

"_How are they, Madame Pomfrey?"_

"_Remus, dear, I've told you before, please call me Poppy."  
_

"_I know, I - how are they?"_

_I was sitting on the edge of a bed at Hogwarts' sanatorium. Dumbledore had insisted we come to be checked over._

"_Kingsley's fine as are you," Poppy said briskly, drawing back the curtains around my cubicle. _

_Kingsley sat on the next bed, a look of resignation writ large across his face._

"_Moody? How's he doing?" he asked._

"_I am absolutely in the prime of life," growled a familiar voice from the cubicle opposite me. _

_Poppy tutted and shook her head and then drew back the curtains to reveal Moody, standing upright, his magical eye swivelling irritably in its socket._

"_Alastor Moody, I told you to sit on the bed," Poppy said reprovingly._

"_I feel-"_

"_I do not care what you feel, you will do as you're told," Poppy said, gently but firmly pushing him back on the bed. "Your wounds may be superficial but you're still staying here overnight for observation. You've had a nasty time of it and I want you to have some rest. Now, lie down."_

_Grumbling, Moody did as he was told._

_I only had eyes for the fourth bed, still screened from view._

"_Tonks," I said in a low voice. "What's the matter with her?"_

_Poppy sighed._

"_She's been hit with a Solidifying Curse. It's working its way from the outside in. She needs medical attention that I can't offer. She needs to go to St Mungo's."_

"_I'll take her," Kingsley and I offered in unison._

_Poppy smiled._

"_It only needs one of you."_

_Kingsley and I looked at each other._

"_If you're happy to take her," he said slowly, "I should get back to the Ministry to file a report."_

"_Fine," I said hurriedly._

_Kingsley stood up and took his leave. Moody watched his exit longingly. He looked as if the last thing he wanted to do was spend a night under observation._

_Poppy pulled back the curtains around Tonks's bed. Heart in mouth, I looked down at the motionless, pale figure._

_Poppy conjured up a stretcher and levitated Tonks on to it._

"_I'll send an owl to her parents. You'll need to take her down to the gates before you Apparate."_

"_I know."_

"_This contains all the details the Healers will need." She handed me a piece of parchment. "Look after her, Remus. I'm rather fond of Nymphadora."_

_The walk down to the gates was one of the longest of my life. The stretcher bobbed along beside me, Tonks's pink hair laying limply around her face. She might have been sleeping; only her ragged breathing gave away the fact that all was not well._

_Inside, the emotions were bubbling through me. I kept pushing away the knowledge that I would never see Sirius again; once I let that loose, I knew I would lose control._

_The feelings I had regarding Tonks were not much safer. I focused on the one thought: not Tonks, not this time._

_The Healer at St Mungo's had disappeared with Tonks and Poppy's parchment. I was standing uselessly in the corridor waiting for his return. _

"_You must be Remus Lupin."_

_I span round to find a petite, brown-haired witch standing there. With her frank and open eyes and the determined set to her mouth, she could be only one person: Andromeda Tonks._

"_Nymphadora has told us a lot about you," she went on. "This is my husband, Ted."_

_A sturdy-looking man about my height, reached past his wife to shake my hand; his grip was deceptively strong._

_I could hear myself babbling words of regret as if Tonks were already dead._

_Andromeda smiled and shushed me gently._

"_It's all right, Remus. We'll take it from here. Go and get some rest. I think you need it."_

"_Come back and see Nymphadora in the morning," Ted offered. "She'll be glad to see a friend." _

_The Healer appeared at my shoulder._

"_Nymphadora's parents? This way, please."_

_He escorted them on to the ward and I was left staring stupidly after them._


	3. Chapter 3 Beginning

-1Understanding by InFabula

Disclaimer: these wonderful characters belong to JK: I just borrowed them for a bit.

Love and grief: two of the most intense and powerful emotions you can feel. Either can overwhelm your heart to the point where it refuses to listen to reason.

In the immediate wake of Sirius's death, I found myself cast astray from the moorings of my usual ordered soul. I fought valiantly to retain the pattern of familiar routine. I functioned. Every now and then, I'd feel the surge of rawness welling up and battled to keep it dammed: occasionally, I found I had to give in to it.

_The morning after the battle found me back at St Mungo's._

"_I'm here to see Nymphadora Tonks," I said and was directed to the Ward for Spell Damage on the fourth floor._

_I passed an unfortunate witch who looked like she had been peppered with blue ink pellets and another whose right arm was locked in an upright position as if she knew the answer to the teacher's question and was determined to show it._

_Tonks was sitting up and grinning at me, waving wildly from her bed halfway up the ward._

"_I hoped you'd come," she beamed. "Mum and Dad said you might."_

"_How are you feeling?" I asked as I sat down beside her._

"_Like I'm thawing from the outside in. The Healers say I should be OK to leave tomorrow."_

"_Well, that's good news."_

"_Hey!" she exclaimed. "Where are my grapes? You can't come visiting without fruit, you know. I'm sure that's written down somewhere."_

_I stammered an apology._

"_I'm only joking, Remus," she laughed. Then the laughter died away and she reached over and laid a reassuring hand on my arm. "I am going to be OK, you know. No lasting damage."_

_Some of the tension must have ebbed out of my face because her next words were:_

"_That's better. I don't know. You old-timers can't handle a little near-death experience. I bet Sirius isn't half as wound up as you."_

"_Sirius…?" I almost choked on the name._

"_Saw them off, didn't we?" she chattered excitedly. "It's all over the ward. Battle at the Ministry. You-Know-Who returns. Dumbledore defeats him. Death Eaters rounded up. And we were there, Remus." Her eyes shone with pride. "We made a difference."_

_She stopped and looked searchingly at me._

"_What is wrong?" she demanded and then in a suddenly smaller voice: "What's wrong?"_

_No-one had told her: but then who would have told her._

_I felt the chaos bubble up inside me and swallowed._

"_Sirius is dead." _

_The three-word sentence hung in the air between us._

"_H-how?" she stammered._

"_Bellatrix," I said heavily. "They were duelling and she caught him off-guard. He fell through the veil. He's gone."_

_Tonks stared at me, unblinking._

"_Aunt Bella?"_

_I nodded._

_Very slowly, she exhaled and lay back on her pillow. As I watched, her hair rippled white in an unconscious response to the news._

"_Tonks - " I began but she patted my arm distractedly. _

"_Please just leave me, Remus," she whispered. "I'm very tired."_

_Standing up, I walked uncertainly to the entrance of the ward. Looking back, I could see she was still gazing upwards, trying to make sense of it all._

_I turned and stumbled blindly along the corridor till I found an empty toilet. I locked myself in it and let the tears come._

Life goes on: it has to. And however many times you might fantasise about using a Time-Turner and somehow changing things, in the end loss has to be accepted. I learnt this lesson long ago. It didn't make losing Sirius easier but it moved me more speedily along the path of grieving.

This time round, however, there were others to think about. I wanted to see Harry - raging with grief and denial - and I needed to see Tonks.

_The meeting of the Order had been hastily convened. Commiserations were offered and solemn words had been spoken: I listened with half an ear. My attention was focused on Tonks._

_She had slipped in at the back of the room just as the meeting had started and somewhat uncharacteristically was trying to blend in. Her face seemed paler than usual while her hair had settled on a light shade of pink. _

_Dumbledore rose to address us._

"_We have lost one of our colleagues," he said. "One of our friends. He fell in battle protecting the things he held dear. Let us take a moment to remember what he meant to us."_

_Emmeline looked like she was on the verge of tears; Dedalus was swallowing hard and blinking fiercely; Tonks just looked numb._

"_My friends," Dumbledore continued," the secret of Voldemort's return is no longer a secret. The Ministry must and will act. Whilst it is necessary for the wizarding world at large to take the threat seriously and to respond, we are now moving to a new level of engagement. Day-to-day life will change. Those of you who have lived through this before know what I am talking about."_

_I thought of the sea change which happened when Voldemort came to prominence in the First War: the fear on faces, the hysteria…knowledge could be just as dangerous as ignorance._

"_Our efforts will now necessarily increase," he went on. "You will be asked for things you may not feel ready to give; to do things you may not feel ready to do. Remember that you will always find the love, support and strength you need right here."_

_He cleared his throat._

"_On another matter, tomorrow Hogwarts breaks up for the summer. Arthur and Molly plan to meet Harry Potter at King's Cross to make sure no attempts are made to sabotage his reunion with the Dursleys. I would like two more people to join them."_

_My hand was up in an instant along with several others._

"_Remus and Alastor, I think. Muggle clothes, remember, Alastor."_

"_I should like to go too, sir," a quiet voice said. It was Tonks._

_Dumbledore studied her for a moment then said:_

"_Very well, Nymphadora. I think that's it, everyone. I'll be in touch."_

_As people stood up to leave, Tonks immediately rose and slipped out of the door as quietly as she had come in._

_I sighed in frustration and made to go after her. I needed to see her, to talk to her and make sure she was all right._

"_Remus, a word, please."_

_I turned back reluctantly and went over to Dumbledore._

"_Remus, never forget that I am here at all times not only as your colleague but as your friend," he said, giving me a particularly penetrating look._

"_Of course, sir." I kept my face neutral._

"_You'll need this before tomorrow."_

_I unfolded the parchment he had given me. It was an address._

"_Nymphadora's abode," he explained. "Seek her out, Remus. She needs to talk. At the moment, she may not be ready to do so, but she can at least listen. Help her."_

_The address led me to a leafy suburb. Tonks's family house was impressive. It backed on to one of the city's major parks and would not have looked out of place in "Witches' Homes and Gardens"._

_Before I could knock at the door, it opened and Andromeda smiled up at me._

"_Sorry," she apologised. "Bad manners, I know, but I saw you coming."_

_She held up a little See-all Scope._

"_Do come in."_

_I thanked her and stepped inside the hall, conscious as never before of my threadbare robes._

_Andromeda must have sensed some of my ill-ease for as she led me through to the lounge, she said, "I'm so glad you came. Nymphadora has just closed up completely. She won't let me or her father in. I hope you're able to reach her."_

"_Where is she?"_

"_In the garden." She indicated the French windows which led out on to a small orchard. "Please go through."_

_It was utterly peaceful in the garden. It was hard to believe we were at war when you could smell honeysuckle and hear crickets chirping: a balmy summer's day._

_Tonks was sitting hugging her knees under an apple tree, her face turned away from the house. Andromeda smiled encouragingly at me and disappeared inside._

"_Tonks," I said gently as I sat down on the grass beside her. "I came to see how you're feeling."_

_Her eyes flickered over to me and then returned to the faraway object on which they were focused._

_I remembered Dumbledore's words: if she wasn't ready to talk, she could at least listen._

"_Whatever you're feeling about that night, don't keep it locked away. I know all about keeping things secret and some things need to be expressed."_

_Silence. _

"_Whatever emotions you're feeling over losing Sirius," she flinched at his name, "you need to work through them, Tonks. Whether it's grief, anger-"_

_I broke off suddenly as a thought occurred to me. Had she loved him? As in "loved" him? It was not implausible. She liked Sirius and cared for him, that much was obvious. Why not love? I ignored the fact that my heart was uncomfortable with the idea._

"_When we lose someone we care about, someone we love," - was it my imagination or was there a sharp intake of breath at the word? - "it will never be the same again but it will be all right. You can talk to me at any time, Tonks."_

_And I left her there._

_She arrived at King's Cross just before the Hogwarts Express was due. She was still very pale but her hair was back to bright pink even though it seemed a little forced as if she had had to really concentrate to make it that colour. I guessed the attempt at normality was for Harry's benefit._

_The sight of Harry pushed Tonks to the back of my thoughts for the moment. He looked as if he had hardly been sleeping. He suddenly looked older, so much older than his years yet I had never seen him look so vulnerable and in need of comfort. I could see that he was startled but pleased to see us._

_At the meeting with the Dursleys, Tonks spoke only once; to underline that we would not tolerate Harry being bullied in any way._

_As Harry disappeared out of sight, I turned round to speak to her but she was gone._

_Later that afternoon she arrived without warning on my doorstep. I let her in; surprise, pleasure and concern battling for control. _

_She stood awkwardly just inside the front door. Before I could usher her to a seat, she did the unexpected and threw herself into my arms sobbing._

_I stood and held her, gently stroking her hair and marvelling that something that should be so uncomfortable could feel so right._

_Eventually the tears stopped and she broke away, flushed. She flopped down into an armchair and drew her knees up to her chin._

"_Sorry," she said so quietly I almost missed it._

_I took a seat opposite her. _

"_It's all right," I reassured her. "It's perfectly all right."_

"_I didn't mean to- I just…" she bit her lip then said in a rush, "it's just there's no one I can talk to and I know you'll understand, I mean you do understand, I know you do."_

"_Tonks," I began but she interrupted:_

"_I can't speak to the others. Molly means well but she's so clumsy. Arthur doesn't know what to say to me. I keep bumping in to him at the Ministry and he just clears his throat as if he's about to speak and then pats my arm and walks away. Moody muttered something at me about casualties of war…" she tailed off and then shot me a fierce look._

"_I don't want sympathy and I don't want pity and I don't want to hear about dying for a good cause!"_

"_I know," I nodded. _

"_You asked me what I was feeling," she said. "Three things, I suppose. First of all, I feel wretched that we've lost Sirius. I really liked him. He was brilliant and now he's gone."_

_Liked him. She had said she liked him. _

"_And secondly, it's all my fault."_

"_How do you come to that conclusion?" I asked, startled._

_She looked at me, hollow-eyed._

"_He was fighting Aunt Bella," she said flatly. "If I'd finished her off first, he would still be alive. His death is down to me."_

_I looked at her in stunned silence. _

"_I bet Harry will hate me when he works it out," she said, her voice full of self-loathing. "I guess you probably do too."_

"_Tonks, you're so very wrong. I don't hate you at all."_

_She looked a little comforted but I could tell she would need more convincing on this point._

"_What was the third thing?" I asked and she flushed and buried her head even further into her knees. When she eventually started to speak it seemed to be with great reluctance._

"_With Sirius gone, I started thinking about what might happen to people I care about. Of all the people I don't want to lose, you're the one I don't want to lose most."_

_I battled my way through that sentence and all of a sudden, my blood started to race._

"_Tonks, I - I -" I reached over and took one of her hands in mine. _

_She straightened up and made a little noise and then I pulled her to me and somehow we ended up kneeling on my sitting room floor, kissing clumsily, our arms wrapped round each other, clutching at one another so tightly that it seemed we must surely run out of breath._

_We broke away, dizzily panting and then got to our feet, helping each other up._

_What had we just done? The sane part of me demanded. What had I just done? How could we ever take it back? _

"_Tonks," I began again but she reached over and put a finger on my lips._

"_Remus, it'll never be the same," she said slowly then reached up and kissed me with sweet earnestness. "It'll be better."_

_And for the first time in a long time, we both smiled._

A/N: This is the first major piece that I've attempted since the birth of my son, RR and I want to say a big thank you to my wonderful former beta, ivy, who was kind enough to look over my first version and make me work at this story. ivy, you are a big, shiny, twinkly thing hanging in the sky.


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